Stress

Daycare is seriously stressing me out... We thought we had everything set with a woman in our neighborhood. I called her references and they had great things to say about her. So we signed a contract with her and gave her $ for September. She is even letting us bring Holly part time and we get the summers off, but can keep our spot for September. Then my mom did some asking around at her school (the daycare woman's daughter went to high school where my parents teach) and it turns out none of the teachers she spoke to had anything positive to say about this woman- in fact they said they would not recommend her AT ALL. Plus another new mom in our neighborhood had some negative experiences with this woman and decided not to use her. So I don't know what to do... the parents of the kids she currently has say she's great, but these teachers who knew her a number of years ago said they have serious concerns- plus the other mom had a not great experience with her. How can I send Holly to someone I don't trust 100%. I just want to quit my job and stay home with Holly - it would make things so much easier and better. I just don't know what to do. We're on some waitlists, but there's no guarantee that we'll get off of them before September. I've been checking into some other places that do have openings for September, but they don't do part time- which means we'd be paying essentially another rent payment every month- which we could do, it would just mean we would have to seriously cut back in other areas. Why is finding daycare so difficult? I'm moving to Canada or Europe where they actually encourage mom's to stay home with their children.

I hate to be dealing with this and stressing about this when I should just be enjoying spending time with Holly :(

In Holly news, her smiles are getting more regular and more controlled, but she has yet to smile while making eye contact. She'll look at me, then look away and then smile. So hopefully Holly will start smiling directly at me soon. Although for now her look away smiles are pretty damn cute. She's also sleeping better at night. 3-4.5 hour stretches at a time, but I still wake up exhausted. Not sure how that's possible.

1 month picture

Pics

Pictures of S and Holly from mother's day... notice that I am not in any of the pics. I think I need to get someone to take pictures of me with Holly! Oh yeah, and Holly is one month old today! Please tell me that the first month is the hardest and it gets easier ;)

yep, still exhausted

Last week I finally felt like I was coming out of the newborn baby fog I've been in since bringing Holly home, but it seems to be back with full force. For a week she was sleeping for 3 hour stretches at night which meant I could sleep for 3 hour stretches at night too... in the last week though she has gotten REALLY good at getting out of her swaddle about an hour into her sleep, which means she is up way too often, which means I'm back to getting very little sleep :( I guess I shouldn't have been so optimistic about things getting better. It doesn't seem to matter what I swaddle her in, she manages to wiggle her arms out. We even have the miracle blanket but the problem with that is that it takes so long to put her in it that she ends up waking back up by the time she's totally swaddled and I have to start the process of getting her to sleep all over again.

She's also translated her no sleeping at night to no sleeping during the day as well- so I have to choose between shower, food or sleep in the 45 mins- an hour that she naps for at a time. I can't wait for her to get out of this newborn stage- it is sooooo not fun.

Enough bitching about that- how about some good things :)

1. The weather is finally nice- the rain seems to have finally gone. I think it rained every day for 2 weeks straight. The weather did not help the adjustment home with Holly, but now that it's nice out I hope we can take advantage of weather by taking some walks. I even managed to take Holly to the grocery store and Starbucks on Friday. I was surprised that I was physically able to walk all the way there and back without collapsing in exhaustion.

2. I can wear some of my pre-pregnancy clothes! Not all of them and some of my pants are still a little tight around the middle, but my stretchier pants definitely fit. Although with all the spitting up Holly does during the day I sometimes wonder why I even bother to get dressed in the morning.

3. I'm within about 5 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight! Granted I gained less than 30 lbs during the pregnancy anyway and somehow about 18 lbs disappeared by the time I was home from the hospital, but still. Unfortunately I have a saggy tummy that I am not happy with at all- and my butt seems to have disappeared- no idea where the hell that went! I just can't wait to be able to go back to the gym.

4. I think we found daycare. There's a French woman in our neighborhood who watches children and we met with her yesterday. When I first spoke with her she said she didn't do part time, but she's since changed her mind. So I think we can have her watch Holly for 3 days a week. My mom and S's mom will watch Holly the other 2 days during the week. That will help us save a ton of money on childcare. I just need to talk to her references this week. I will be soooo glad to have that piece taken care of. I'm not 100% sold on this woman though- not because I don't think she's qualified, but I think it's because she's French and comes off as French- which sounds silly to say. But what I mean is that she's not very warm and fuzzy- at least not with adults. That's one thing I want to ask her references about. I have to assume she's doing something right with the kids she cares for, given 2 of the 3 references have been sending their child to her for 2+ years.

And now I will leave you with some pictures:
Holly and her daddy having a screaming contest-



Chance stealing Holly's boppy-



Chance- being pathetic... When he wants food and his bowl is empty he usually digs around the bowl and moves it around so that we hear him and give him food. This time he just collapsed by his bowls. Poor pup!

Exhaustion and burping

What I wouldn't give for 8 or 6 or even 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep! (well obviously I wouldn't give up the babe, but you know what I mean). I know people always say to get sleep while you can- before the baby comes, but until you experience it, you just don't get it. At least I didn't. And honestly sleeping pre-baby wouldn't have helped anyway. So I guess I'll just be sleep deprived for the next .... umm I don't know how long- until it's ok to let H sleep through the night. She is actually a really good sleeper, and I know if I let her I could get a good 4 hour nap in if I needed too, but she's still too young and too little for that. I'm hoping that she'll be back up to her birthweight when we go to the drs tomorrow and that I can start pumping soon so S can give her a bottle now and then to let me get a little more sleep.

We spent 2+ hrs at the orthopedist today to get her frog leg looked at. The leg actually looks totally normal now- her left foot still doesn't straighten on its own though. Poor girl had to have x-rays of her leg, ankle and hip- and she hated it :( But the good news is that her "condition" is totally positional and will fix itself over the coming months. There's no bowing of her leg bones- which can sometimes happen, so that's good too. The one thing we will have to continue monitoring is her left hip b/c apparently breech babies can develop hip dysplasia. So she'll have to go back in 3 1/2 months to check her hip again. Hopefully nothing will develop with her hip. Considering I was breech as well and my hips are perfectly fine, I think H will be ok.

Things I suck at- burping the baby. Who knew it would be so difficult? For some reason I can never get her to burp after I feed her- but as soon as S touches her she belches- it's so frustrating. I know that when I don't get a burp out of her and I keep feeding her she ends up spitting up and then all that feeding was for nothing. So I end up spending a good chunk of her feeding time trying to get her to burp- and it sucks. I've tried the sitting on my knee position, the against the shoulder position and the over the shoulder position- none of them with great success.... so if anyone has any miracle burp position, please share with me! It would make feeding her go so much faster.

Off to catch a quick snooze before I have to feed her again- I feel like a cow :(

Pics!

Here are some pics to tide you over since my time to write is so limited... Enjoy!



Getting ready to go on a walk with Daddy!










Ready for a bath!



Nevermind- baths are no fun:(



All clean!

Welcome to the world little one!

I'm not pregnant anymore- yippee! Having no belly again is really really weird, as is having a baby ;)

Birth story- just in case you want to know how the c/s went... it's really long.

We went into the hospital at 3 on Tuesday for the scheduled c/s (she was breech and I had late onset IUGR). I think I was sort of in shock all day Tuesday - it was hard to wrap my head around the idea that at an exact time we would have a baby. The nurses in l&d were great - so supportive and helpful. I got hooked up to the fetal monitor and had an iv placed when I arrived. So S and I were in l&d for about an hour and a half doing prep for the c/s- getting me hydrated etc. They wheeled me into the OR around 5. The anesthesiologist was awesome- she talked to me the whole time she was putting the epidural in and yeah, it was not the most comfortable experience, but it wasn't painful. She and the nurses kept my mind off what was happening even though they still informed me of what they were doing. Once the epi was in I was strapped down on the table and they brought S into the room. The epi worked really quickly and before I knew it they had started. The anesthesiologist stayed by my head and she and S sort of gave me a play by play during the operation.

I was so worried that the epi wouldn't work and I would feel the incision- of course that didn't happen! The only thing I felt during the entire thing was when the 2nd dr in the room had to "jump" on me to push the baby down to the incision- that was the worst part of the actual operation b/c I could feel that. It didn't necessarily hurt, it was just really, really uncomfortable. The best part was when they finally pulled her out and I heard her crying. It was so surreal- hearing that cry for the first time! Of course I started crying once I heard her crying- that was what made it real. So Holly Emma was born on Tuesday and weighed 6lbs 14 oz- she's such a tiny thing! She also had the cord wrapped around her neck and shoulders, and would probably have had to come out via c/s anyway even if she hadn't been breech.

The only bummer from the experience is that b/c she was breech and apparently in a funky position inside me, one of her legs was bent awkwardly in utero. So when she came out her left leg was all crooked and looked like a frog leg. Her leg was awkwardly crooked and her left foot was at an incredibly awkward angle. Of course I picked up on that immediately and started freaking out on the table. I feel so horrible b/c the first few hours of recovery all I could think about was the leg and what if it was some kind of physical deformity that couldn't be fixed, etc. I thought the worst and instead of being thrilled to have a beautiful healthy baby, I was so fixated on her physical appearance and abilities. Her leg has gotten a lot better- it looks 80% normal now. We had an orthopedist come in and check her out and although he wasn't a peds orthopedist he thinks that the issue is purely positional- meaning that her leg is the way it is b/c of the way she was positioned in utero as opposed to a deformity in bone growth, etc. We are meeting with a peds orthopedic surgeon in 2 weeks to see if we just wait for the leg to fix itself or if we need to do a brace. But all the peds who've looked at her so far are confident that it's just a positional issue that will right itself. So I'm finally calming down about that!

I'm so glad to be home from the hospital- it was a long 4 days. It took me 24 hrs to finally get enough feeling back in my legs to be able to move. Getting the catheter out and walking for the first time was horrible. At that point I swore I'd never have another child again- knowing I'd most likely have to endure another c/s again! But as the days have progressed I've started feeling better. Today is the first day that I've been able to move a lot without writhing in pain. It's so good to be back home and not have nurses busting into the room every 2-3 hrs.

Aside from some normal baby blues type feelings, things have been going pretty well. Breast feeding seems to be hit or miss. My milk has definitely come in and my boobs are enormous. But Holly and I definitely need to sort out this whole latching thing- sometimes it feels like her tongue and mouth are covered in tiny little pins- all poking into my nipple at the same time. And other times it just feels like a gentle sucking. The lactation consultants were hit or miss at the hospital. When we take Holly to her ped next week I also have a meeting with one of the lcs there so hopefully I can get some more advice. I know it's still so early in this process and that it takes mom and baby time to learn how to do this, but given how painful it can be I want to know everything I can to help fix things sooner rather than later. Although I may feel totally different about this tomorrow if things are horrible tonight :(

In addition to Holly coming home today she also met her furry siblings. The dogs have been really good with her so far. Chance has been amazing! He sits in the room with me when I nurse and is so attentive to her noises. Natty of course wanted to lick her all over when they met. Natty has been kind of distant from me since we got home, I think she thinks I've replaced her :(

I'm hoping tonight won't be too bad-we had one really awful night in the hospital where Holly could just not be consoled. I felt like I was feeding her every hour - I don't think S and I slept more than an hour that night. Since that night, things have been better. I even managed to get about 6 hours of sleep- broken into 2 hour increments- last night.

I know I have so much more to write, so I'll save that for later posts- and I'll try to put up some pics tomorrow.