Thursday, July 23, 2009

Two posts in one day- feeling contemplative

One of the unexpected realizations after becoming a mother is that I haven't really had a good sense of myself over the past few years. In fact, the more "titles" I collect that are supposed to define who I am, the less I actually feel like me or know who I am.
1. I used to be just plain Emily who hung out with friends, enjoyed to read and write, and was social. This was the Emily from college and the first few years post college.
2. Then the word teacher was added to my name, but I still felt like myself. My life was full and I actually enjoyed and looked forward to each day.
3. Then I became a wife... and I think this is where I began to lose a sense of myself, as now I was someone's wife- tied to this person forever. I don't think I ever really thought about what this would entail and what it meant to my understanding of who I am. I became so stuck in being a wife and being connected to this other that I stopped seeing myself as an individual and only thought of myself in relation to S.
4. And now I add mom to this list and am even further from knowing who I am since everyday revolves around caring for Holly. My life is dictated by the needs of this tiny person.

So here is my dilemma. I love being a teacher, a wife, and a mother. I don't want to give any of those up, but how do I figure out who I am underneath all those labels?

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